The worst launch day "killer app" glorified tech demo Nintendo ever released, as well as the one that did the least to hide the fact it's a tech demo. A soulless shill for Joy-Cons, my favorite totally non-drifting and totally not overpriced video game controller.

I'm sad to say I forgot I owned this. Harmless fun with or without friends, yet one in a line of glorified tech demos for the Wii U and the gamepad's functionality, something Nintendo accomplished beautifully with Wii Sports in 2006 and somehow never came close to topping.

Update: *Minor Spoilers* So... I've finally 100%ed this. The last thing I had to do was beat the Majima Saga. I'm almost ashamed to admit it because I think the outcome of the Majima Saga's main plot is rather predictable (even if I don't think it brings the whole game down by any means). But anyone who's played both Yakuza 0 and the Majima Saga will know exactly why I found myself weeping while playing it. Fuck it's not fun admitting that. I have no score updates seeing as this game pretty much remains unchanged for me in terms of quality, it's an amazing game with a terrific campaign. Interestingly, my complaints about the EXP, combat, and heat mode systems, at this point, feel outdated because I am so used to them that I've come around to their function even if combat isn't as smooth as it is in Yakuza 0 or Kiwami 1. That said, the Dragon Engine, though it's stunning on first inspection and does make some quality-of-life improvements for gameplay, is also capably flawed in similar areas, where many aspects of the game are poorly borrowed from Yakuza 6 (the game that introduced this engine) and can take away from the immersion. Some aspects of gameplay can also seem mechanically superficial and the story, as brilliant as it is, truly doesn't pick up steam until the second half, which is interesting because the second half is pretty much where Ryu Ga Gotoku Studio said "fuck it" and nearly left most of Kiwami 2's arch-nemesis for Kiryu, Ryuji Goda, to the wayside. And Goda is a well-written and fascinating villain! So take that as you will. With all of this said though, I would still recommend any self-respecting video game enthusiast to at least try this game on for size, especially if they liked Yakuza 0 and Yakuza Kiwami 1 before it. ------------------------------------------------------ Original review from 8 Sep 2023 (Score: 9.4): I've spent an absurd amount of time playing Yakuza Kiwami 2. Initially, I thought the story was a bit bland compared to the emotional depth of Kiwami 1 because the game appears to be about a gang war at first, but as it went on, I found myself enveloped in one of the most insane story campaigns I've ever played because it takes its time to evolve into a heartbreaking and emotionally gripping story, thus giving the player rewarding reasons to give a shit about every character here—Kiwami 2 knows its way around the heartstrings. The engine for this game is phenomenal, even if I think at times it could be a bit disorienting; it feels a bit more immersive to walk into stores and restaurants as opposed to 0 and Kiwami 1, and the radar/map with the active headcount for people interacting in areas is fantastic. The substories in this game are like playing through episodes of The Simpsons, and every minigame presents a fun test in endurance (except for Mahjong because that game is fucking bullshit), not to mention the tower defense Majima Construction minigame (which has one of the funniest flyer slogans ever) and the returning Cabaret Club Grand Prix. My only issues with this game include the Heat Mode/combat system—a downgrade from Yakuza 0/Kiwami 1 and considerably more tedious to learn the ropes of when starting with no upgrades since it's much slower-paced—and the EXP system, which is a bit of a slog before you can upgrade any of your items. But they're a mere inconvenience in the way of an otherwise phenomenal entry in one of the most enveloping game series I've ever had the pleasure of playing. I'd even go so far as to say that this is probably the only Yakuza game that will receive my worthwhile stab at a 100% completion (I would love to 100% Yakuza 0, my favorite game ever, but it's way too time-consuming and with this one, I sorta found myself accidentally making a lot of progress in many of the completion lists as I went along, so now there's an incentive for the active effort).

My grade would be higher if: A. I didn’t think this game’s RNG was abysmal and B. I didn’t believe this is occasionally one of the buggiest messes present in a genuinely good game. Nevertheless, both are true and annoying beyond belief, especially because I’m in a phase with a friend where I’m trying to 100% this game for fun. Suffice to say, it isn’t very fun. In a casual setting though? This is clearly the ideal co-op FPS video game, a shit ton of fun, warts and all. I’m being harsh just because this game is fucking annoying and I’m a baby, so take it with a grain of salt.

Update: While I still believe a decent portion of what I've written is true, I will concede that I was being harsh and mostly basing my opinion of it on the main battle royale mode, which was where most of my experience lay. The zero-build battle royale option and some sessions with friends who are considerably deeper into the game have since changed my perspective. I still haven't spent money on this and refuse to, but I understand why someone might do that (other than mere sunk cost fallacy). The point of the game, I've realized, is to have mindless fun, and with the new game expansions in Chapter 5 in particular, it's rather intriguing to see what this game has become since I first reviewed it. Substance shmubstance, this game wasn't created for serious critical analysis. Which, for the record, is not an excuse for how grossly corporate it is, or how middling the main battle royale mode still is, but I'm willing to say I'd probably much rather play this than a lot of online multiplayer games that have made waves as cultural phenomena. ------------------------------------------------------ Original review from 10 Oct 2022 (Score: 5.0): This game singlehandedly ruined the video game industry. Sure, PUBG may predate this game in terms of blockbuster battle royales, but no game had so profoundly affected gaming in the last ten or fifteen years as much as this one, since this was free and PUBG wasn't. Consequently, Fornite became the catalyst for new battle royale games (for better and *mostly* worse) and even forced competition out of franchises that aren't even related to the battle royale style of game, i.e. CS:GO's Danger Zone mode (an inclusion that incentivized Valve to make the game free-to-play and milk every penny out of players for all the additional content). For what it's worth, it's not a terribly bad game; personally, I would never in a million years use money to acquire this game, and I'm happy to say I've never spent a dime on any of Fortnite's in-game add-ons or virtual currency. However, I firmly believe calling this game fun or great is the equivalent to watching any given Marvel film and walking out of it believing that it was cinema's best. Sure, it's a novelty to have all of these forces of pop culture come together to duke it out, but it's not sufficient enough to redeem the qualitative failures of the media itself. In the case of Fortnite, between its general lack of personality and the slog of both its crafting and attacking mechanics, no Goku costume could ever make this game more than the uninteresting chore it is.

I enjoyed Super Mario Bros. 35 when it was dropped, even if I felt it was shitty of Nintendo to take the original fan-made Super Mario Bros. battle royale offline, particularly considering that this game existed on a limited release basis (which is the worst modern-era practice of video game companies). It ran smoothly for Nintendo Switch Online, and it was probably my favorite battle royale game when it was playable. I couldn't tell you how that opinion holds up now, unfortunately.

Valve and Hidden Path Entertainment take Blizzard's Overwatch 2 approach to the next level—glance at your most popular game, give it a generic (maybe "lifeless" is more apt) UI makeover, mess with the gunplay, promise new features without being able to follow up on them, remove community servers, strip away old ones (even Deathmatch is now simply a free-for-all mode), make no attempt to playtest it for bugs (including one that allows for players to shoot and kill through walls), and update the visuals at the cost of optimization and system compatibility. All of this, *just* to show off the Source 2 engine and render Counter-Strike: Global Offensive worthless and unplayable. What a "fuck you."

For E-sports, Global Offensive is the obvious choice for a Counter-Strike title in a tournament. I used to play it a lot, but in every other regard, Global Offensive is so much less exciting to play than any Counter-Strike before it; a casualty of Valve (more so Hidden Path Entertainment) trying to keep up with the times, even if its Deathmatch mode and community servers were undeniably fun. Unfortunately, this game is no longer playable (in proper form) in favor of Counter-Strike 2, and even if it wasn't my go-to Counter-Strike, this will likely remain one of Valve's most brutal mistakes.

Of all the Counter-Strike titles, Source is the one I play the most. It's the most broken and seemingly dated title in the franchise, and my god, the gun balance is fucking abysmal. Despite its worse quality compared to its eternal predecessor, Counter-Strike: Source and its community servers, regardless of how toxic they are (few games are as demonstrably stuck in 2004 as this one), find a way to keep this game fresh and more interesting than Valve's second and more commercially successful attempt at a standalone Counter-Strike game on the Source engine.

Except for Halo 3 and Valve's own Team Fortress 2, Counter-Strike 1.6 is the ultimate online first-person shooter. The GoldSrc engine does its Counter-Terrorists vs. Terrorists bomb-defusal concept justice with easily the series' tightest gunplay, fast movement, and a wonderfully old-school PC-gaming charm that'd been lost by the time of Global Offensive. Consider this a game where its ties to the past only propel its transcendence.

Fucking slaps, don't care if this is a stupid sports game with the cast of Mario and Final Fantasy. Maybe it's not great but, shit, it's close.

Though Yakuza Kiwami may be one of the laziest video game remakes ever (right down to reskinning the original PS2 cutscenes—which is why Kiryu is always so visibly pissed off—and rehashing the world, menu, minigames, and combat assets from Yazkua 0), this is still very solid. I understand this perceived laziness is mainly a consequence of Yakuza 0's international success forcing the Ryu Ga Gotoku Studio to rush its development; given the amount of time development took, it's still more polished than perhaps I'm giving it credit for, even if the engine's previously polished-cleanliness and accessibility is the reason why. I've not played the original Yakuza yet, though from what I've heard, there's little point in playing it since Kiwami's additional content and reutilization of 0's combat system were implemented precisely to make this a more enjoyable experience than its original counterpart. The story is classic Yakuza, tugging at the heartstrings while maintaining elements of surprise and danger. It's not as gripping as 0's plot(s), though I concede that few games are, and this one still wrecked me by the end of it, regardless of a few plot holes and some of the rather corny moments that try to reinforce how badass the current happenings of the given scene are. It's cohesive, nevertheless, and the game's worst shortcomings only really come through when you reach Kiwami's penultimate boss, which represents one of the worst difficulty spikes in video games, as well as a healthy serving of this game's best and worst aspects from a writing perspective. Still, Yakuza Kiwami is a terrific title; that said, I believe it should go without saying that Yakuza 0 is the game you should want to try first because 0's retroactive worldbuilding gives this game (and the original Yakuza) much more substance than it had in the first place because it becomes much harder to become emotionally attached to many of the characters featured here without the prior context, even if Kiwami briefly explains their relation to Kiryu and why you should be invested in them.

A vast improvement and the first genuinely good Mario Party game in well over a decade. I don't give a shit that this game nostalgia baits—I prefer it that way after all the horseshit. May Super Mario Party become obsolete in its wake.

Get these fuckin' quasi-fixes outta my Mario Party game.

Get these fuckin' game-breaking modes outta my Mario Party game.

Get these fuckin' vehicles outta my Mario Party game.

Get these fuckin' motion controls outta my Mario Party game.

Look, I think mixing up a tried and true formula for any game franchise tends to be a net positive more often than not, yet somehow, Mario Party has eluded success in the execution of such a simple concept. Enter Mario Party 7. Ugh, did we need a Bowser event every fucking five turns? The overhauled star system is a tiresome aggravation, and I can't say I'm impressed with this entry's minigames. That said, I will iterate that this game is still enjoyable because, despite these flaws, it's a mix-up that didn't fundamentally ruin the essence of Mario Party. Plus, relative to the failure of its successors, I'd accredit 7 with breathing some new life into the series—if only briefly.

An improvement when it comes to having personality (since 4 and 5 decided to drop the ball a tad), though I'm not particularly enamored with the mode that shills the microphone gimmick, and I think the minigames can be pretty hit or miss; not too sure why this one is so highly regarded, but it's probably due for re-evaluation at some point since it has been a while.

Mario Party 4, but with better boards. Touché.

Perhaps the modernization of Mario Party is the start of its fall from grace, and sure, some of the boards are bland as shit, but I'll vouch for Mario Party 4. I think some of its minigames are terrific, and for what it's worth, the first GameCube-era entry in the series was only as good as it could be after three exceedingly-successful Nintendo 64 Mario Party titles, regardless of the snoozefest boards.

I think this one has aged a bit worse than its predecessor despite the welcome additions of Waluigi and Daisy. Still, it's an absolute riot, and the game's variety is among the most exciting of the whole Mario Party series.

The best Mario Party game and probably my favorite party game of all time. Yeah, every bit of it is unforgiving, but even as I wallow in my butthurt from losing a round of Bumper Balls, I can recognize it's part of the charm. Not to mention the costumes!

A great party game with some unfinished aspects that somehow improve the fun of it all, and while we're at it, why does my hand feel like I've been climbing rope?

Mortal Kombat 11 exhibits every bit of X's excesses, but now with even less substance than before. I remain hopeful, but I'm under the impression that such hope might be proven unfounded.

Though the Mortal Kombat reboot is unbeatable for a modern-day iteration of the franchise, Mortal Kombat X's ultra-modern direction is still enthralling and fun, even at the sacrifice of most of the previous game's substance. It occasionally loses its edge from being so focused on its graphically optimized (and rather simplified) style and over-the-top gore. Still, fans wouldn't have wanted it any other way, especially the latter part, since that's kinda always been Mortal Kombat's thing.

A return to form, even if contrived, but who cares!? This was the game that saved and redefined Mortal Kombat. Perhaps the fatalities are now a tad overkill, but man, this game feels great, and the cinematic campaign is a fantastic retelling of the original arcade games' lore. Everything falls into place, and the ninth Mortal Kombat game is the best in the series since Mortal Kombat II. Easily the best modern Mortal Kombat, too.

Buggy and lightweight, although it was never worse than Mortal Kombat 4, and even though this is technically the last pre-reboot Mortal Kombat game, I think it's oft-neglected that this was the title that set a precedent for the NetherRealm Studios era Mortal Kombat entries in terms of aesthetic and storytelling. Perhaps it's insignificant in recognition of Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe's overall poor quality, but I thought it was interesting at the very least.

It's the black sheep of the sixth-gen era Mortal Kombat games, and yeah, Kreate-a-Fatality sucks, and the mechanics and graphics are practically the same as its two predecessors, not to mention that the payoff for beating its main modes is lacking. But I'm willing to forgive a few of these flaws with the understanding of the limitations Midway faced to cram in as much content as they did because even if it meant chopping off Motaro's entire fucking body, all the franchise's characters returned (which meant that half of the roster consisted of classic characters and the other half, not so much, but you still get the option so that issue is minor), and all of the side modes—especially Motor Kombat—are the most fun in the Mortal Kombat series since Trilogy was released a decade prior (it's only a coincidence that both of these Mortal Kombat games are the only ones that took the approach of utilizing every character they could). There is a bit of a balance, but at the end of the day, the monotonous everything of the main game still leaves it in the qualitative realm of its two predecessors. That said, this is the title of the sixth-generation Mortal Kombats I'd most likely pick up again for fun.

I'm not entirely sure why this one is regarded as much of an improvement over the last entry; they're practically the same aside from its story and reintroducing multiple fatalities (Deadly Alliance, for context, only featured one unique fatality for each playable character); I guess zombie Liu Kang is cool? I dunno, I've always liked this one less on all fronts, but maybe I owe the game a revisit in the future. Either way, this game's rank above Mortal Kombat II on this website (as of 11 May 2023) is ridiculous.

Liu Kang dies, and so does the franchise. Though there's no such thing as a downgrade from Mortal Kombat 4, Deadly Alliance marks the start of the sorta medieval era of Mortal Kombat, where the games are stuck in this grunge of monotony in just about every way. The soul of the Mortal Kombat games is seemingly lost for years because of this one, and perhaps that's because Jon Tobias would leave the development team before it hit shelves as the first non-arcade mainline Mortal Kombat title. Nevertheless, it's still a decent fighting game in terms of mechanics, and the twist of Liu Kang dying is a neat (if sympathetically predictable) way of shaking the story up; it's just rather dull for the Mortal Kombat entry touted as the rebirth of the franchise as we knew it when it came out. Passable.

Mortal Kombat goes 3D, and I'm not gonna hesitate any further: this game is total fucking dogshit. The voice acting is hilariously awful, but so is its character selection (they dropped Kano altogether to introduce the radically lame Reiko) and actual gameplay, with some of the worst controls and awful finishers in the series (Quan Chi's Beat Down is an exception). Whenever people want to talk their shit about how badly the first Mortal Kombat aged, I have to remind them that it doesn't even come close to the assault on the eyes (and ears) this game is.

True, Mortal Kombat 3's second and final version does have an intense loading problem, and everything about it is a mess, ranging from its proto-Smash Ultimate approach for the character selection to its lazy new finishing moves and move sets. Despite this, Mortal Kombat Trilogy is playable enough that it transcends those flaws for what is ultimately the definitive version of the franchise's third game. That is unless you're playing the horrid Nintendo 64 version, which Midway clipped for no fucking reason because the size of the original game could have fit on an N64 cartridge. Every other version, though? Fantastic.

The character selection and game's mechanics receive major overhauls in Ultimate Mortal Kombat 3, enough to make it the most accessible game of the series' classic arcade run. Perhaps it's still not as intriguing in aesthetic or style as its predecessor and messier than the first Mortal Kombat. Still, if Midway ever did make a kickass arcade fighting game that stood a chance at recognition among its competitors as a "serious" fighting game, then this is the one.

Judging by the timeline of events, Midway took their time to make the third entry in the Mortal Kombat series. However, judging by playing the game, it becomes apparent Midway hastily threw it together and removed most of the elements and characters that made the first two Mortal Kombat games so good the first time around. They did try to rectify this with two future revamped versions of it, but the scars that besmirch Hank Hill Sub-Zero and the rest of this game hurt it enough that 3 is the black sheep of the arcade Mortal Kombat titles; when all is said and done, it's still a good enough fighter, and the introduction of its combat system marks the first time Ed Boon and Jon Tobias threw their hat in the ring for contention with the "serious" fighting games; it simply couldn't live up to the expectations of the two games before it, especially Mortal Kombat II.

I'll own up to the fact that this game's difficulty is insane and that by "regular" fighting game standards, the entire Mortal Kombat franchise seems to pale in comparison. That said, I couldn't care less; unlike its predecessor, Mortal Kombat II's graphics and sound design in 2023 are rather impressive for the 16-bit era, and on original arcade hardware, it's one of the most responsive and scarily fast-paced fighting games I've ever played. I'd also argue that Mortal Kombat II is the most aesthetically successful game in the series, carefully toeing the line between its camp nature and the intense brutality it was meant to convey without overdoing either or effect loss. The roster is likely the best in the series and, in terms of lore, one of the most enthralling across any game practically built for multiplayer. No modern Mortal Kombat game after it is nearly as impressive, and the one that comes the closest is a franchise reboot that is most inspired by and based on Mortal Kombat II. You'd be hard-pressed to find another goofy arcade fighting game as fun or challenging as this one.

I probably like this game more than I should because, compared to most of its contemporaries, it hasn't aged well, but the controls still feel satisfactory, and I never find myself bored or burdened by the game. It's not Street Fighter II, but it's not trying to be, and the aesthetic of Mortal Kombat was always more enticing anyway. Who doesn't want to rip someone's spine out when they play this?

I hate to admit it, but Grand Theft Auto V's scope and content are so over-the-top, nuanced, and detailed that denying its greatness only seems like popularity-borne contrarianism. It doesn't transport you into a specific era like Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas does, but perhaps that's both the consequence of V taking place in the same year it came out and a testament to how relevant and modern the game still feels ten years later. It may be too close to call it, but I don't think "timeless" wouldn't be an apt adjective for this game.