Battletoads

If I asked you what the hardest video game of all time was, what would be the first thing that would come to mind? Dark Souls? Super Meat Boy? How about a game like Battletoads, a game from the NES library that is considered by and large the hardest video game of all time. It’s a game where its reputation precedes itself. Even among its equally difficult contemporaries on the NES, Battletoads is still the crowning champion of 8-bit anguish. If not for its long-running status, this NES beat-em-up that capitalized on the strange, mutated kick-ass amphibian/reptile craze of the early 90’s spurred by the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, probably would have been long forgotten. Battletoads somehow remains somewhat relevant, but for reasons other than it being an exemplary game of the NES era. In the 21st century, Battletoads has become a practical joke with online ner do wells harassing their local pawn shops for information about holding physical copies of this game. Battletoads has persisted in cultural relevance because, after all these years of gaming innovation, nothing has dethroned the king of difficult video games. It still smugly sits on its royal seat that is hoisted up by the mountain of crushed spirits from the gamers that dared to challenge it. While Battletoads is infamous for being an excruciatingly hard game, the question remains: is Battletoads a good game? Despite the unparalleled difficulty curve, does it still prove to be a competent, fun game nonetheless?

The Battletoads are Rash, Pimple, and Zitz, three radical names that are products of the gross-out era of the 1990s. The only Battletoads you get to play as is Rash as Pimple is captured and Zitz is confined to the second player controller. Just to note, even though it is customary of the beat-em-up genre to feature co-op, DO NOT attempt to play Battletoads with another person. There will be friendly fire galore and both players will have to use a continue even if only one player dies. Battletoads with one person are hard enough, but having two players renders the game practically unplayable. There is even a section later in the game which is quite literally impossible to get through with two players. The developers made an obligatory co-op feature but didn’t buff out the cracks to actualize this to its full potential. Starting, it’s not looking good for Battletoads.

For the first two or three levels of Battletoads, one might be lulled into a false sense of security. Not only because these levels seem to be fair and feasible, but because Battletoads has the making of a solid 2D beat-em-up. The combat in this game is always incredibly satisfying. Beating enemies into the ground while your foot or arm enlarges to a cartoonish size to finish them off never gets old. Rash can even pick up an enemy’s weapon for a while to do some damage to diversify the combat. The graphics are some of the best from this era and the music is always exceptional. The pause menu music is practically my favorite club beat of all time. The first level introduces the combat of the game incredibly well, giving the player easy enemies to deal with and providing appropriately easy obstacles to work over. The second level involves descending into a cave via a rope. The enemies here are just as simple with the only fatal aspect being a crow cutting the rope, resulting in Rash’s death.

The third, proceeding level, Turbo Tunnel, is also the final level of the game for the vast majority of people. In gaming, some roadblocks signal a rise in the difficulty curve, but Turbo Tunnel is an impenetrable brick wall. The level begins nicely as you’ll be fighting manageable rat enemies that dress like Donald Duck. The only pratfall here is accidentally falling into the crevice due to this game’s questionable 2D spatial awareness. Once you rev up those turquoise motorbikes, be prepared to experience the most notoriously hard level in gaming history. The player will avoid pink bricks erected from both sides of the tunnel and jump over brick fences that span the width of the road. The ramps may also shoot you off the road due to the aforementioned confusing use of spatial awareness this level has. The last section of the Turbo Tunnel requires such accurate precision to dodge everything that you’ll need more than cat-like reflexes to beat this stage: you’re gonna need divine intervention. Keeping in mind, Battletoads has an arcade-style of continuing. If you continue three times, the player has to go back to the very start of the game. I could not for the life of me beat this level fairly. I am but a mere mortal man who cannot achieve things beyond my human capabilities. What, did you expect me to be good at Battletoads? Do you expect me to hold god-like capabilities? Experiencing what was beyond Turbo Tunnel is like trying to know the span of the entire universe; there might be something out there, but I’ll never know in this lifetime. However, I felt as if it was underwhelming to leave my review of Battletoads on the three levels that everyone is already familiar with. I hacked my biology to experience the extent of what Battletoads has to offer using, let’s call them, “manually implemented checkpoints”.

Past Turbo Tunnel, the game never lets up. I guess they figure that if Turbo Tunnel didn’t stop you, they’ll have to try harder. Turbo Tunnel wasn’t even the end of the vehicle levels as there are more scrolling levels with objects careening towards you. It’s difficult to decide whether the electricity one or the surfing one is even harder than the Turbo Tunnel. The snake pit level requires swift reaction times and the memorization of the layout of the spikes in the level. The ninth level, “Terra Tubes' ' is littered with blindspots and the enemies are so brutal that the rubber duckies will have you shaking with terror. The level that made me give up, cheap checkpoints withstanding, was “Rat Race” where the player will have to run to defuse a bomb against the most motivated rat in gaming history. Nothing I could do could make me beat this fucker, bouncing off the walls with no friction like he was riding a slip-n-slide. I hit a breaking point that not even using modern emulator devices at my liberty could help me overcome, a testament to the reputation of Battletoads.

Battletoads could have been one of the best games on the NES. It certainly has the presentation and the control to compete with some of the system’s landmark titles. However, I’ve never seen a licensed video game hold so much contempt for the player with its neck-breaking points of precision, cheaply implemented pratfalls, blindspots at every corner, and arcade-style treatment of continues. Battletoads require so much from the player that people would have to dedicate so much of their life to just getting to the end of the game. The few who have gone past Turbo Tunnel fair and square and even beat this game could have procured a Ph.D., learned a new language, or started a family in the time it took for them to beat this game. In a way, this level of difficulty has given Battletoads a cult status, and that’s probably what preserved its relevance decades on. Congratulations, Rare. You’ve given an outlet to the biggest legion of masochists in the video game medium.

Final verdict: Is Battletoads a good game? Yes, but it’s still not worth playing.