Pokémon Channel

(Originally published on 12/25/2020)

Let me share with you a "treasured" Christmas memory:

The year was 2003 and I was absolutely obsessed with Pokemon. I had the cards, I watched the show, I had the games, and I still own these Pokemon birthday party napkins from 20 something years ago. I blathered on about Pokemon to my friends and family that obviously could not care less about what I was emphatically raving about, but I did it nonetheless. I was one of those kids that memorized the fucking Pokedex. I could never do crack cocaine because the high I'd get would not match my childhood stimuli of Pokemon. My obsession was to that extent.

In Christmas of 2003, I received my first (non-handheld) game console, the Nintendo Gamecube, and with it, Pokemon Channel. It was the newest Pokemon game at the time and I could see all of the Pokemon I knew and loved with 3D graphics. If only I had been born fifteen years later. If there was a reason why my Pokemon obsession waned ever so slowly after 2003, then I have this game to blame. I excitedly popped it into my Gamecube, played it for about 15 minutes and suddenly, my face grimaced as I uttered this:

"What the fuck is is this dogshit?"

Of course I didn't actually say this. I was seven years old a the time and couldn't string those specific words together. Rather, my internal being was in essence that strand of words. I couldn't believe that someone would make a game like this even when I was seven years old.

What exactly do you do in Pokemon Channel? Essentially, nothing. A Magneton hovers over to your house with a new TV. We can assume that the house he delivers it to is your house and the Pikachu scurrying around in the house is your own Pikachu. Pikachu turns the TV on and you get a choice to watch around five different channels. Ash's Squirtle with sunglasses has a shopping channel where you can buy cards with in game currency. God only knows the developers could yank out some real life money from kids nowadays. There is a weather channel with a Psyduck as the meteorologist, there is a home exercise channel hosted by a group of Smoochums, a Pokemon quiz show, and a "Who's That Pokemon?!" gameshow hosted by a Wobbuffet. There's also a Pokemon Channel exclusive episode of the anime revolving around the Pichu Twins, of whom I only vaguely remember from the show, but I can't imagine anyone would care because I sure as hell didn't.

All you do in this game is watch Pikachu watch TV. No seriously, that is all you do. You can't watch or participate in a single thing without the little yellow vermin making that baby-esque call he does. It's only adorable in the games and in the show, but it's quite irritating here. You have the option to turn off the TV, but it only upsets him. I don't know if something happens later in this game nor do I really want to know.

I, as a seven year old boy, was a victim of developer Ambrella's fuckery relating to my absolute favorite thing when I was a kid. I turned off this game that Christmas and played Super Smash Bros. for the rest of the day. I only played this game maybe two more times to show my friends how absurdly boring this game was. As of now, it is my only 0.5 rating on this site because this game holds not a special place in my heart, but a dirty, dark cavern in the recesses of my bowels. It's one thing to be disappointed by something as an adult, but it's a totally different matter when you're a kid and what you're being disappointed by has your absolute favorite thing plastered all over it. Will anything else come along to share Pokemon Channel's place in total disappointing abhorrence? Not bloody likely.