"Every man needs a woman, and I need you
To lift me when I am sad
To comfort me when I am down
To clean me when I am a drunk
To walk beside me when I want to look like I'm not gay
To walk in front of me when I need someone to act as a human windbreak
To kiss me when I'm horny
To massage when I am tense and/or horny
To make me horny when I'm not horny,
and then to watch me fall asleep.

I need you, darling,
to clean between my toes when they are not clean to my satisfaction.
To pick the nits out of my hair when I have head lice
To try milk for me when I am not ure of the expiration date.
To be there when I need you to be there
and to be out of town the rest of the time."

-Steve Martin "Ode to a Loved One"